Many long-time members of the Integral Yoga community (sangha) have known or heard rumors about Swami Satchidananda having sexual relationships with female devotees (adults, not minors) beginning in the late 1960s or early 1970s. Other members have only recently found out about the history and feel deeply betrayed by the lack of transparency. One of the biggest issues for people to comprehend is how the Swami continued to portray himself as a celibate monk while having sexual relationships in secret. When asked about such relationships, he always denied them.
With the advent of the #MeToo movement beginning in 2017, sangha members have continued speaking with each other about what happened decades ago and what it means for the community now. A main concern has been a newfound understanding of the power dynamics inherent in the guru-disciple relationship. Much like what has happened with Roman Catholic priests and other religious ministers, the guru is always viewed as dominant, essentially infallible, and incapable of wrongdoing. Disciples or devotees revere their guru, trust him, and wish to please him. This sets up a situation where the devotee CANNOT give true consent to sexual encounters because she is not free to do so.
In January 2022, two sangha members who have been with Integral Yoga since the late 1960s sent letters to the IY leadership respectfully asking for acknowledgement of Swami Satchidananda’s sexual relationships. Due to a lack of response from leadership, Shanti Norris sent the following letter to the leadership in July 2022. In this letter, she fully discloses her relationship with the Swami for the first time. Note: IYI stands for Integral Yoga Institute.
You can also jump to the testimony of other women here:
Dear IYI leadership,
As some of you know, back in January I sent a letter to Integral Yoga leadership making a case for the IYI to acknowledge the accusations of sexual impropriety that have surfaced again and again and by multiple women. I have spoken with a number of people in positions of leadership, including longtime teachers. Almost to a one, they have agreed with most or all of my points and have worked to find a way to hold integrity and encourage the institute to acknowledge the truth behind the stories and allegations. I am not alone in being disappointed in the response and the attempt to ‘manage’ the dialogue with the one-on-one dissemination of a series of ‘talking points’ which are to be never written down. It is an absurd, demeaning and unacceptable response to students and teachers seeking to know the truth.
For the sake of my children and family I am sharing that I had a sexual relationship with Swamiji on and off over the ten-year period that I worked with him closely as his personal assistant. Family secrets have not been healthy. I am no longer willing to keep this secret because to do so is harmful to me and to my family.
This is a personal decision primarily for the benefit of my family and myself. I have confided to therapists and close friends for many years, believing that there was no need or benefit to disclosing my relationship further. I have no desire to harm the organization’s work. However, I feel that the Integral Yoga Institutes’ longtime, adamant decision to refuse to investigate and acknowledge the truth is harmful to everyone.
I entered into a relationship with Swamiji in 1969 willingly, feeling that I fully understood what I was doing. I feel that I have benefitted enormously from my interactions with him over many years. On the other hand, after a number of years it became clear to me that he was having sexual relationships with other women. He took advantage of many of his female students’ innocence and adoration and continually mimicked the life of a celibate monk while living differently. That is the primary reason I left serving as his personal assistant.
Things are often not as they appear, and life obviously is not black and white. I continue to be grateful for the teachings and training I received while at the same time condemn Swamiji’s subterfuge and lies. Many years ago, I necessarily withdrew and reclaimed my sovereignty. I believe that is a necessary step for each of us, and a stage in teacher-disciple relationship with or without the lies. We each must come to a point where we stand in our own truth. And it is important for us to be united and stand with the truth.
For those who feel that we must protect Swamiji’s legacy, let me simply say that he is the one who made this part of his legacy by his own actions. For many years, I believed that the right thing to do was to deny any knowledge of his sexual activities in order to protect him and his work. I no longer believe that is in anyone’s best interest.
Shanti Norris
In October 2022 and June 2023, the leadership sent letters to sangha members. Those letters are available here: IY Docs
After the ashram leadership’s October 2022 letter, Shanti Norris responded:
November 2022
Dear ministers and friends,
I gave myself a week to consider the ashram’s recent ‘Facts and Allegations’ statement before responding. I appreciate that several ministers spoke up with questions and voiced your view that as representatives of Integral Yoga you want and deserve clear and accurate information.
Several months ago, I came forward with a letter to IYI and ashram leadership revealing my 10- year sexual relationship with Swamiji. They have known about this since early July and this is the motivating reason they wrote the recent statement. Why no mention of my recent testimonial was referenced in this statement is a mystery to me, and I find it confounding and problematic. I have been clear that I am not keeping this a secret any longer, nor will I ask family members, friends and sangha members to do so.
Many of you know that I served as Swamiji’s primary secretary and assistant for ten years from 1969 to 1979, through my twenties. I traveled with him across the United States and throughout the world, including six journeys to India during this period. I lived in his homes in Danbury, CT and near the Connecticut Ashram, as well as living in the NY IYI’s and Connecticut Ashram.
There was much love in the relationship, and I felt I entered into it with open eyes. Over the years I became aware that he was having relationships with other devotees. I eventually left but continued to feel that it was in everyone’s best interest to deny there were any sexual liaisons, in order to protect Swamiji’s legacy, the teachings and the organization. Over the past many years, I have felt that this lie was and is doing harm to myself, the organization and to everyone involved. I am only sorry that it took me this long to come forward.
I received much from Swamiji’s presence, his teachings and the community of devotees. There is nothing that will or can change that and my gratitude continues. At the same time, it is clear to me that I was also harmed by the relationship – by the secrecy and the betrayal of my trust in my teacher, by the enormous power differential and by the loss of agency and temporary trust in my own logic and inner compass.
Swamiji was human and he struggled with the same issues we all work with on a daily basis. Like us he was capable of failing his own values and making mistakes. There is no doubt that he took advantage of some of his female devotees, and that is a huge betrayal. He lived publicly as a monk while having a secret life. The power differential between exalted spiritual teacher and their devotee is huge, and it is never the right dynamic for a sexual relationship. I, and many others, believe it is not possible to have an equal partnership in that circumstance.
I do not seek to make light of this betrayal but at the same time I want to acknowledge the complicated and nuanced world in which we all live. Nothing is black and white. I feel compassion for the gifted teacher and spiritual human being we knew him to be along with my disappointment, anger, love and gratitude. From my experience it is clearly possible for someone to hold profound wisdom and also make profound mistakes in other areas of life, which can cause unintentional but real harm.
I am disappointed in the recent letter which doesn’t acknowledge current testimony and suggests that this is all in the past. We talk about the past because it affects our present. Last week I received a confidential letter from a woman who wrote about her relationship with Swamiji for the first time. Having not made her relationship public before, she wrote a letter now for the Board of Trustees after reading their current statement.
The history as written in the statement about events in the 1970’s and 1991 events is not accurate. The internet holds personal statements by ‘the woman/women’ in some of those cases. I also would ask that where it refers to a ‘woman’ or ‘women’ who came forward, that you please substitute – ‘a longtime devotee and gurubai (who in at least 2 cases, was a member of Swamiji’s personal staff.’) reported their experience. It is apparently common under these circumstances to want to alienate or even denigrate ‘the women’, but I think as yogis we cannot, and it is beneath the organization to do so.
Several groups of longtime devotees have worked arduously with the ashram Board of Trustees over much of the past two years, advocating for a public statement acknowledging the truth of the sexual liaisons. One of the reasons I came forward now is that those efforts were met with repeated refusals. Many sangha members, myself included, made recommendations that the board hire an outside consultant to help move the organization through an honest, comprehensive and facilitated healing process. Several such consultants have or are working with other Buddhist, Christian, Sikh and Yoga organizations facing similar revelations about their founder. Consultants generally perform a confidential report by speaking privately and confidentially with current and former sangha members who have come forward so that there is a factual, unbiased body of knowledge on which to base a public statement and create a plan for healing. IYI leadership has repeatedly refused to do this currently and in the past. We also recommended an outside consultant to work with the organization to help facilitate dialogues amongst various groups of devotees to help move towards healing for everyone. By speaking in a safe environment, listening to others person-to-person, it is my and many others belief that the organization will grow from this and will become stronger.
This conversation is painful for each of us. I understand the desire to protect Swamiji and the organization – I lived that for decades. I hid or in some cases lied about my relationship to protect both – and honestly to protect myself and my family as well. I believe that has caused more harm. Some members of my family and friends are rightfully angry at me for not revealing this sooner. They are outraged that this happened to me and other women. Some sangha members are angry at me for revealing this at all.
Once again here is my suggestion for how to move forward into healing, because clearly this is not going to go away: The ashram or some other affiliated group of devotees should hire an outside consultant to do a confidential unbiased report. Based on the information in the report, the consultants help the organization create a comprehensive action plan for a series of facilitated dialogues and conversations (by outside trained neutral facilitators). As many as needed over many months seems to be the recommendation. From that, a movement into a different leadership dynamic which is based on mutual trust, open communication and collaboration. As we know, many contemporary spiritual organizations have been shaken by similar challenges. I have found it surprisingly inspiring to read some of the current Buddhist and other sangha leaders discuss the traumatic challenges that rocked and nearly shattered their communities. Many report the positive changes that they have experienced in their sanghas, many of which have become more trusting, open and authentic.
This is my wish for each of us, no matter how hard, and for this beautiful organization which has done so much good in the past.
All of this is ONLY possible by facing this head on — by having the courage to look at the truth of the situation, by using factual information on which to base statements, decisions, and actions.
Thank you for reading this.
Shanti Norris
Also, after the ashram leadership’s October 2022 letter, Sharada Thompson responded:
November 2022
Hello, I am writing to offer support for what I hope will become an ongoing dialogue about your letter to the community. I’m not interested in talking about whether anyone “believes” the accusations. As one of Swamiji’s lovers I don’t have any question about that. My focus is on the attitude the statement reveals….and about how you continue to choose to respond to what happened.
The writer, or writers, seem motivated by fear that admission, followed by honest dialogue, would damage Swamiji’s reputation and thus, the organization’s reputation. This strikes me as both unrealistic and self-serving. The women who came forward are pillars of the community and had nothing to gain and everything to lose by speaking up. It is cruel and cowardly to simply say that people can believe whatever they choose….this is not about belief, it’s about fact. Real people have been treated disrespectfully. Real people have been hurt. These are not strangers. They are your gurubai.
This is also about interpretation…..it’s about what meaning and what lessons we can glean from the fact that this happened. Our beloved Swamiji violated the Yogic code that he devoted his life to. We’ll never know how he felt about this. We will forever suffer the mystery of not knowing. So where does that leave us?
It leaves us with what could be (at long last) a teachable moment….and a character defining moment that spiritually defines us as people and as an organization. What is at stake is the soul of the IYI because you cannot have a living spiritual tradition based upon intentional self deception. The truth is that Swamiji had sex with a number of women. The reality is that he was a man of much greater complexity than we wanted him to be; he struggled with the same questions and challenges as every one of us do. In spite of all his beauty, his power, his achievements, he fell short of his own ideals. Who among us hasn’t, at some point or other? Can’t we accept this and learn from it? Our forgiveness would then become a testament to the power of the love and gratitude we still have for him.
I am one who did not come forward. I was just short of 17 when I moved into West End Avenue. My father and Shiva Wick had to sign paperwork so I could legally live there. Swamiji was the mother and father I never had. He called me Rascal and I adored him. As time went on, I was close to Sheela and to Ramah and I saw the changes in them….the pain and the isolation. I remember visiting Ramah in Danbury where she lived as Swamiji’s secretary and worrying about what could be wrong with her. When Sheela admitted what was going on there was chaos and Swamiji sent me to Yogaville West for the summer to get away from it. His exact words were “when you talk to your friend Sheela, you won’t love me anymore”. I assured him that I would love him forever. At the end of the summer I served him at Yogaville. He would weep and beg me to believe him. I did, with all my heart, until he had sex with me in a hotel in Chicago a year or so later. I didn’t tell anyone and finally moved out. I was 19 and out in the world without a clue about who I was besides a spiritual devotee of Swami Satchidananda. It was a dark night of the soul.
I have never wanted to punish anyone or to bring down the IYI. I’m grateful for what it gave me….it shaped who I am. But it is time for a loving and thoughtful process of admission about what happened and why people colluded with it. It is time to acknowledge the impact this had on all of our lives, the men as well as the women of the IYI. Most of all, it is time for the healing that this would bring to each of us and to the organization.
Today I can say that my spirituality is a living current that nourishes and defines me. I got there through a gradual process of absolute honesty and the willingness to live in a much more complex world where the person who helped me the most also hurt me the most. I feel grateful to the women who stepped forward and gave us this opportunity for healing.
Let Swamiji be a real and complicated human being. Please don’t compromise your goodness and integrity out of fear or a childish need to make the world a simple place of black and white intentions. Gurus are not gods. They are individuals whose life’s work is to wake us up. Our relationship with the guru needs to grow and evolve or it dies. In this way, his work could go on…he could still be waking us up.
That is how we honor the guru’s memory.
Warm regards to you, Sharada Thompson
I KEPT SILENT
by Leela, March 2023
I came to be a follower of Sri Swami Satchidananda in Dallas, Texas, in 1969. I moved to the San Francisco Integral Yoga Institute [SFIYI] in late 1970. I was 22 years old.
In 1972, I moved with others to the newly founded IYI ashram, Yogaville West, near Clear Lake, California. Our reach was growing, including classes at UC Davis which was a full day’s drive to and from Yogaville. Vijay was going to teach the class and I went along. The conversation turned to Sheila, a devotee living on the East Coast, who had accused Swamiji of improperly propositioning her for sex which Swamiji adamantly denied. I had no doubt in my mind that she was abused, but Vijay and others in the New York IYI took Swamiji’s side. “Believe him or leave him.” I kept silent.
My mind reeled. I felt I needed to find a way to forgive Swamiji. And, more than that, I would have to find a way to forgive the director of the Santa Cruz IYI who shortly after I had moved in the SFIYI in 1970 orchestrated my rape by another, married devotee while he and a female devotee entrapped me in the room. It was horrific! I felt there was no one to turn to since I was just beginning to get acquainted with the yoga community. My only consolation was that I did not have to confront them every day since these people were not living in the SFIYI. They completely disregarded the expected rules of conduct for devotees even though they represented the IY teachings. There were no friends for me to confide in. Who could I trust? I kept silent.
At the end of 1973, we sold Yogaville West. I had just recently taken pre-sanyas [yogi nun] vows and decided to move to the Connecticut ashram. Meantime, I traveled to New Mexico to visit my parents. Swamiji expressed an interest in meeting them and visiting the Los Alamos National Laboratories where my father worked. Swamiji arrived with Ish and Brahmi who were on their honeymoon. We had a good time for the five days or so that they were in Los Alamos. We even arranged for Swamiji to give a lecture.
Swamiji oversaw our [Ish and Brahmi’s, his, and my] journey to Connecticut together on the train. I had given Swamiji all of my savings in the vow of poverty that was expected. I had no money to arrange my fare. Swamiji took care of that. We left from the Lamy station near Santa Fe. As we were getting on the train my father (upset that I was taking such a drastic diversion from his plans for me) said to Swamiji, “Please take care of her.” He promised he would.
His idea of taking care of me was a shock. I was nervous about having to share a cabin with him. I did not know how to serve him as a secretary, nor did I ever aspire to be one. At first I tried to do whatever I could think of to make him comfortable, such as putting his slippers out. For every little thing I could do, he one-upped me until we both had our shoes arranged, our bedclothes out, our toilet kits ready, and such. When it got time for bed, he was very gracious about giving me privacy. Once I was in my upper berth, he readied himself and got into bed.
“Leela, I need a foot massage. Come down.” I obeyed. Soon after I started rubbing his feet, he sat up and started caressing me and laying me down. I froze. What was I supposed to do? My mind jumped all over the place trying to figure out exactly what he expected of me. Was this even acceptable? I wanted to please him but realized when he put his hand down my pants and at the same time put my hand on his genitals that IT WAS NOT RIGHT FOR ME! “I can’t do this!” I sat up. His head ended up in my lap. As I looked down at him, I told him that I still loved him and rocked him as if comforting a child. He let me go back up to my bunk.
Sleep eluded me. Early the next morning I had to rush out of bed. I went down to the hallway restroom where my bowels exploded from nerves, an event I did not want to subject anyone to. When I got back to the cabin, Swamiji let me know that he did not want me around. I had to spend the rest of our trip in the lounge car until we reached Chicago. We flew to New York City where we would be picked up for the rest of the journey to Connecticut.
It was late when we got to the NYC IYI where we spent the night. Swamiji, Ish and Brahmi were escorted to their respective rooms. No one paid attention to me. Swamiji, who had arranged everything, left me hanging. I was shunned. I did not know where to go and ended up on the landing of the second floor where the others had been taken. It was cold. I huddled in a corner and assumed someone would come along to help me. Meantime, the downstairs door was opened and some young lady came bounding up the stairs exuberant as she entered Swamiji’s room. I went downstairs to see if someone could help me. There was only one person there finishing up cleaning the kitchen. He was surprised to see me. He had no idea where to put me but found a room and some bedding for me to use.
The next morning we were driven in two different cars to Connecticut, stopping in Danbury for a midday meal at the home of another devotee. I made myself scarce. As we continued on to the Connecticut ashram, the girl driving me there was in awe of Swamiji who had stopped his car to get out and wipe the accumulating snow on the headlamps. “Isn’t he amazing? Who would ever think to do something like that?” I did not want to burst her bubble. My dad had just done that while we were driving around in Los Alamos in the snow. I kept silent.
Ramesh and I got married in 1974. Beforehand, we each went separately to meet with Swamiji in what I thought would be a premarital talk. The only thing he said to me was, “Men are like that!” He was excusing his inappropriate behavior and putting all men in his category.
It was not until years later, probably around 2012, that I told anyone besides my husband about my ordeal with Swamiji. Those I entrusted were also devotees. It was suggested that I talk to one of his secretaries. I spoke to a secretary still living at the ashram in Virginia. She was not wanting me to let others know about my experience as it might hurt the IY organizations and that the guru-disciple relationship was personal. Such behaviors were tradition in India. Really? Besides, I am not Indian and never wanted to become part of that culture. She told me to read a book by some Indian woman guru, hoping I would accept and understand Swamiji’s conduct. The whole conversation was around the idea that I just did not understand. Gaslighting. It hurt. I kept silent.
For me, the extent of Swami Satchidananda’s misconduct with women only came to light in late 2022. It is uncomfortable to learn how hypocritical Swami Satchidananda was and how he degraded those women who dared to confront him. It hurts that we women are still dismissed through spiritual bypassing and by those denying our experiences. I am grateful to those who really listen to our stories and support us. In the light of truth, I am not keeping silent anymore.
By Susan Cohen, LCSW, a survivor, July 2023
As an ex-disciple of Swami Satchidananda of the Integral Yoga Institutes, I would like to share what happened to me from 1969-1978. The Swami involved me in secret sexual encounters. The Swami worked in a type of dysfunctional father-daughter relationship where I felt over-powered.
Here is my personal story:
I began studying yoga in Rhode Island at the Newport Folk Festival in 1969, Barbara and Christopher Thralls, married followers of the Swami, were there singing about truth, nonviolence and peace. I was a sponge soaking up the music with Eastern philosophy verses. Then I became a student at the New York Integral Yoga Institute and began Hatha Yoga, Meditation, and Service. I also read in depth books on the philosophy, Patanjali, the Gita, Sivananda, and the works of Mahatma Gandhi.
Primarily service, non-violence and music was why I went to live in the IYI instead of attending college. I was 17 years old when the war in Vietnam along with Biafran starvation was distressing to me. I wanted to make a difference and hoped that through yoga I would become empowered.
However, my mother noticed that I stopped making my own decisions and was concerned. I seemed to become a follower whereas previously I was a natural social leader. My brother noticed that I became an introvert and was not relating in my natural persona. It was as if the Swami’s will overtook mine.
The IYI philosophy was strict and said that to be a serious disciple; one must practice poverty, chastity and 100% obedience. I did not know then how detrimental this can be when one allows another person’s will to overtake their own and how after a short time, it is no longer voluntary..
Then, in the 500 West End Avenue, New York IYI, I was told to give all my time and energy to the service of the Swami.
My family was cut off from communication, I was not allowed to visit them for holidays and when the Swami heard of friendships I was beginning with boys, he told me not to speak to them, as it would distract me from my practice of yoga. Then in two instances Swami sent the young men to other locations. But I never wanted to be a renunciate. However, it became clear in Europe, that in order to keep my job as his personal traveling secretary, I would have to be a renunciate and available to satisfy his sexual needs in secret from the rest of the community.
When the IYI bought a building downtown on West 13th Street, I was transferred downtown to teach yoga and be the receptionist. In 1972, several friends and I were planning to move out due to the increasing stories coming out from a survivor of this sexual abuse. At that pivotal moment, I was asked to move to the Swami’s private residence. Why didn’t I say no? I had plans to go to college and live with friends.
It didn’t make sense except that I was used to not asking myself what was best for me and had no idea of how critical thinking could transform my life for the better. In Danbury, three secretaries lived there at once. Later I understood the personal aspects of these guru-secretary goings-on.
There had been other female disciples in 1972 (see NY: Village Voice articles) that had spoken up about this problem. However, we were encouraged to discount their experience and to follow the unspoken mantra: “Don’t Think, Don’t Question.”
In 1977, he selected another secretary for his sexual and personal servant. At that point, after eight years, I woke from my trance and saw the situation as it was. He could do as he pleased. He was beyond accountability and he also denied my right to a normal relationship with a man who is presently my husband since 1978.
I ask you to answer the following:
— How are people treated today within the Integral Yoga membership?
— Is there movement toward a democratic process at Yogaville or is it
still an autocratic system with no voting by the people who live there?
— How will this community heal?
Moving forward, Susan
Testimony by Sharada Thompson, Ph.D, July 2023 & March 2024
A parable…..
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, hey doc, my brother’s crazy! He thinks he’s a chicken. The doc says, why don’t you turn him in? The guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that’s how I feel about relationships. They’re totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.”
-Annie Hall screenplay
I am going to tell my full story so that you, the reader, can decide for yourself about the question of consensual sex. I’m grateful to both Radha Metro and the ashram lawyer for being the catalyst for me to finally come to terms with the pain and the shame of it. Please bear with its length. It’s not an easy story for me to tell.
I entered the IYI at the age of 17 not long after what was in those days euphemistically called a “nervous breakdown”. This was at the breaking point of my treacherous passage through adolescence in a family that was utterly devoid of emotional support. My father was a charming narcissist who held an authoritarian philosophy that children should be seen and not heard and were best shaped by guilt, shame, and demands of perfection. My mother was disinterested in mothering…an emotional white hole. From an early age, I was on my own.
Around 16 I started experiencing anxiety (which I attempted to hide) until one day I had a devastating panic attack in the middle of a class. I was sent home and informed my mother that I was never going back to school. Up to that point I had lived a double life. School was my safe place. At school I was popular, creative, and academically successful in some areas although considered learning disabled in others. At home I tried to keep my head down.
I think that the disconnect between how I was seen out in the world and how I was perceived at home had literally torn me apart. I went to bed and couldn’t or wouldn’t get up. Thus ended my high school career. I lay in bed, wasting away. My father called the pediatrician who had cared for me all my life who made a house call and was shocked by my state. He phoned my second cousin who had also been his patient in childhood and was now married with small children and asked her to take me in as he feared for my safety.
I lived with her family for some months. During this time period I stepped out of day to day reality. I experienced psychotic hallucinations of punishment and ridicule. But after a few months, in the safety of her home I gradually emerged from this state. I experienced it as a kind of spiritual rebirth. I read R.D. Laing (later one of my teachers) and Parmahansa Yogananda. I meditated and learned some asanas.
One day, out of the blue I had a call from an old school friend (Sylvia Shapiro’s brother David). He said he had heard that I was interested in Yoga and invited me to an event in Manhattan where Swami Satchidananda was speaking, along with Swami Muktananda and, I think, Rudy. I have no idea how David (then called Deva) knew that I was interested in spirituality.
The minute I saw Swami Satchidananda on stage, I knew that he was my teacher, the IYI was my world and that all I wanted was to be a part of the Sangha. I was too young to move in legally but my father came and spoke with Siva Wick and signed a legal document that allowed me to live there as a minor. Although I was now functioning in a relatively normal state I was still terribly shut down. I looked profoundly shy but it was much deeper than shyness. I was ashamed of my history and felt unworthy of love or respect.
I asked Swamiji to help me. He invited me up to his apartment above the uptown IYI and I revealed all of this to him and for the first time I knew what it meant to be a child who deserved love. He cradled me on his lap and told me over and over that he loved me and that I was a spiritual being and I never had to be lonely again. For the first time since I was perhaps 4 or 5, I fully trusted another human being and let myself be seen by him. It is difficult to describe the comfort this brought me or the healing that I experienced that day.
Little by little, I began to blossom. I worked the front desk, I taught Yoga classes, albeit Shankar Shrobe pronounced me the worst trainee he had ever had. I made some friends. I was happy and engaged. When the scandal with Sheela broke, I barely took it in. But Swamiji sent me to Yogaville West to get away from it. That is when I first met Vijay Hassin. Swamiji told him to take care of me as I was very young, very shy, and without any experience of being out in the world. Vijay did his best but I think he didn’t know what to make of me as I found him quite a terrifying grown up stranger.
I had a good summer in California and felt somewhat comfortable with a few people in the community including Vijay’s then wife Shree, Swami Murugananda, and Divya Golman. When Swamiji came out for a program in the Fall, I was asked to help serve him in his house, along with a much more experienced secretary. In public, he was as always….charismatic and powerful. But privately, he was completely different. He would cry in my lap and talk about how I wouldn’t love him anymore after I spoke with Sheela. He didn’t seem to understand why people felt judgmental about what he had done. He didn’t deny it but didn’t understand why people were angry. I simply couldn’t process any of this. I assured him that I would always love him and that I would always believe whatever he said.
Soon after I returned to the East Coast and lived for a bit at the Connecticut Yogaville but things were changing; there was a new, doctrinaire quality to the ashram leadership that I didn’t relate to. I started to think about whether the ashram way of life was my future but I didn’t have any idea of what else life might hold for me. I had little family support and no education. I felt safe but stifled and stuck.
It was at this point (I was 19) that I was invited to travel with Swamiji and Shanti. I was giving him a massage in his room when he rolled on top of me and, without a word, had sex with me. It didn’t take long. I was a virgin and barely took in what was happening. I went back to the room I shared with Shanti and completely disequilibrated. I couldn’t believe what had happened…I couldn’t take it in. I felt utterly ashamed and regressed to my adolescent habit of complete emotional shut down. I decided to tell no one. I tried to go back to my old life but I couldn’t. Once again I emotionally and cognitively froze. I ran away without a plan about what to do next. No one seemed concerned about why, including those I was closest to, such as Amma Kidd who had been like a mother to me.
I simply vanished and tried to create a new life in disavowal of the old one. When someone asked about my unusual name I would often say it was Russian. I took an equivalency test and received a high school diploma and went to community college, in stark contrast to the first tier schools that my former classmates went to and that I was expected to attend. It was not an easy road for me.
As I reflect on this, I wonder….with all the women available to him, why did Swami Satchidananda pick on me? He knew, better than any living human being, that I related to him as a father….the only benevolent male figure I had ever trusted. It took many years for me to stop interpreting what he did as evidence of my worthlessness and many more years to be able to speak the truth of what happened to me.
That is my story. You, the reader, are free to decide for yourself whether you believe that this was sex between two adult, responsible parties at a long-ago, far away time when standards were different.
Additional commentary from Sharada:
As I listen to people’s stories about their relationship with Swami Satchidananda, one motif that occurs over and over is that he (and abusers in general) had an uncanny ability to make each person feel that they were special to him. This extends to all kinds of scenarios people had going with him, not just sexual ones. Being close to him, having a special connection or role, was like a drug for many people. It was also a form of power and prestige in the small pond of IY. Admitting this helped me to loosen some of my own attachments. If you are having difficulty letting go of of your emotional attachment to him it might be helpful to do some honest soul searching about your own pain or insecurity and the way he filled this need in you. This is part of what I was getting at by telling the story about “needing the eggs”. The loss of feeling special is a big part of the grief people are feeling; he made us feel special and needed and valuable. And of course, we are….we always were.
Home - Satchidananda, the Complex Truth 
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